Life has been so busy with school starting that I haven’t felt the urge to blog at all– but a happy update, this week marks nine weeks and a heartbeat!
Seven weeks this Saturday, almost another down. This week I returned to work– first for a teacher retreat in Santa Cruz, and then back to my classroom to prepare today. Tomorrow I’m off to the ocean to celebrate a long weekend with friends, the last of my twenties. Then, Monday is school and 31 new little faces who need will need me for all sorts of things. My brain is full of plenty to think about, such a shift from the last few weeks of babying myself at home.
Usually I am sad to see summer go, but this time there is so much to anticipate.
I’m not looking back, and I’m also done with all the worry.
Today marks six weeks. Every day is a bit of a relief. Every week is a tiny celebration. It is still early. Two and a half weeks before I go to a doctor. Then, if there is a heartbeat, the risk of loss will be down to 1%, (according to this study at 8.5 weeks). Right now the risk of loss is supposedly 1 in 6, the roll of a die.
I share all this because it is on my mind. Not every second of every day, but in the back of my thoughts until a new symptom occurs and I race through my mental catalogue of pregnancy research. Numbers help. I had no idea I would feel so nervous for these first weeks to pass.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still excited. I tell myself to trust, relax, be happy. Even so, I can’t help but wish my doctor would see me earlier, tell me there is a heartbeat. I am reading a book about embracing times of discomfort. Maybe that is the lesson here, that sometimes life will include periods of great uncertainty where acceptance and patience are key.
Fingers and toes crossed.
As I slammed on the brakes, eyes fixed on the rearview mirror hoping the car speeding up behind me would stop in time, I uttered these words aloud:
“White light surrounds and protects us.“
That last word caught me by surprise. For years I have repeated, “White light surrounds and protects me,” any time I have sensed danger, a left over relic of my childhood. However, when I said us today, without even thinking about it, I realized this baby is already real to me, in very much the same way she has been real all week in my dreams, her infant body pressed against my bare skin.
And, yes, in the dreams she is a girl, although I’m trying not to take that too seriously in hopes of not giving my potential son a complex…
But, back to the point of this rambling. At even a sesame seed-sized promise, our baby is already real to me, even as I wait on bated breath for more weeks to pass before allowing myself to become too attached, whatever that means. All life deserves care, nurturing, and love, whether it lasts a century or mere weeks. Today it hit me that attachment is okay, good even.
Of course, I’m hoping for the century.
Today marks five weeks. With the help of an early pregnancy test, I was fortunate enough to discover my pregnancy the day before I expected to start my period. In reality, I did not realize that finding out so early would just make me into a bigger worrier than I already am. The biggest irony– I wrote a novel that begins with a miscarriage.
While I have never lost a pregnancy (to my knowledge), it feels like half the people in my life have. So, this first week of being knowingly pregnant has been a big effort to reassure myself everything will be fine. Any time I have a negative thought, I close my eyes and tell the baby he or she is welcome, wanted, loved. I know the outcome is beyond my control, but I really want this pregnancy to work.
It’s funny, too. I always thought I’d keep it a big secret until it was safe to share, but I’m realizing that if the worst happens, I will want some people in my life to be around as my support. Likewise, it feels like added strength to have a group of people rooting for us. So, I’m not telling everyone, by any means, but we already have a little circle of support and excitement. This blog will hopefully be an extension of that, somewhere I can process my feelings, both good and otherwise.
As far as symptoms, I am fascinated by every little change I experience. I feel pregnant and it’s not just in my head. In fact, that’s how I knew it was alright to take a test so early. I was weepy and queasy and felt different. I really can’t complain though, other than the urge to sleep a few extra hours a day, (which so far has worked because I’m on summer vacation from my job as a teacher), there is not a lot of discomfort. If I don’t eat, I get a little queasy, and if I don’t rest, I get a little irritable, but that’s pretty much it, other than a sense of fullness in my abdomen.
Such an extremely exciting and scary and wonderful time. At the moment, I feel blessed– I hope you will join me with your stories, encouragement, and presence.