Six Weeks: Fingers and toes crossed.

Today marks six weeks. Every day is a bit of a relief. Every week is a tiny celebration. It is still early. Two and a half weeks before I go to a doctor. Then, if there is a heartbeat, the risk of loss will be down to 1%, (according to this study at 8.5 weeks). Right now the risk of loss is supposedly 1 in 6, the roll of a die.

I share all this because it is on my mind. Not every second of every day, but in the back of my thoughts until a new symptom occurs and I race through my mental catalogue of pregnancy research. Numbers help. I had no idea I would feel so nervous for these first weeks to pass.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still excited. I tell myself to trust, relax, be happy. Even so, I can’t help but wish my doctor would see me earlier, tell me there is a heartbeat. I am reading a book about embracing times of discomfort. Maybe that is the lesson here, that sometimes life will include periods of great uncertainty where acceptance and patience are key.

Fingers and toes crossed.


Five Weeks: The Beginning

Today marks five weeks. With the help of an early pregnancy test, I was fortunate enough to discover my pregnancy the day before I expected to start my period. In reality, I did not realize that finding out so early would just make me into a bigger worrier than I already am. The biggest irony– I wrote a novel that begins with a miscarriage.

While I have never lost a pregnancy (to my knowledge), it feels like half the people in my life have. So, this first week of being knowingly pregnant has been a big effort to reassure myself everything will be fine. Any time I have a negative thought, I close my eyes and tell the baby he or she is welcome, wanted, loved. I know the outcome is beyond my control, but I really want this pregnancy to work.

It’s funny, too. I always thought I’d keep it a big secret until it was safe to share, but I’m realizing that if the worst happens, I will want some people in my life to be around as my support. Likewise, it feels like added strength to have a group of people rooting for us. So, I’m not telling everyone, by any means, but we already have a little circle of support and excitement. This blog will hopefully be an extension of that, somewhere I can process my feelings, both good and otherwise.

As far as symptoms, I am fascinated by every little change I experience. I feel pregnant and it’s not just in my head. In fact, that’s how I knew it was alright to take a test so early. I was weepy and queasy and felt different. I really can’t complain though, other than the urge to sleep a few extra hours a day, (which so far has worked because I’m on summer vacation from my job as a teacher), there is not a lot of discomfort. If I don’t eat, I get a little queasy, and if I don’t rest, I get a little irritable, but that’s pretty much it, other than a sense of fullness in my abdomen.

Such an extremely exciting and scary and wonderful time. At the moment, I feel blessed– I hope you will join me with your stories, encouragement, and presence.